salt,sugar,sex

THIS WEEK is catch up week 

I do everything. 

I apply for committee. Some position, whichever really. Get my name heard even if I don’t get the role. 

Fuck you god.

Why do you hate me so fucking much? 

Going to post more shit because I’m pissed at the world, and, honestly, myself.

I hate everything that makes me feel so inadequate. I constantly feel like i can’t measure up to being that person that  I really want to be, just because I have the worst, most pathetic inadequecies. I have such a fucking pathetic fear of loneliness. Worse, I can’t fucking believe in myself enough to just pick up for one night, just for a make out, and just leave it at that. Even worse, I can’t get myself to fucking fuck someone. Because I’ve saved it for so long. Because I saved it from minty. It just has to go to someone fucking special, right? 

Fucking hell. Ridiculous. Abso-fucking-lutely ridiculous. It gets to a point when you know you really won’t ever find that person you can actually trust in enough to want to thrust your whole life’s savings into, and you know you wont’ ever ever find anyone that will make you quite so happy as you’d hope to be with another person…. and it really just is time to give up. But you can’t let go. and so you get abusive, angry, sad and painful. And you can’t let go. 

I need to let go. I need a break. I need to stop getting angry and mad at just everyone. 

Fuck. 

FUCK

FuCK .

I just spazzed out at everyone in front of everyone. 

I guess it will be a while yet till I quite understand the opposite gender. Or, more specifically, those of the opposite gender that  I am attracted to. 

So it happened again. The whole S situation, only with the guy I so clearly remember comparing to him. I blame myself entirely for letting myself fall for him. 

Furthermore I blame men in general for leaving me hanging constantly. 

I miss being every guy’s best friend. I miss being a complete retard, completely unnattractive in my behaviour, and just having a shit load of fun talking shit. 

I tguess the one good thing about tonight was me rebonding with my exbestie. Little by little. But still rebonding. 

I just don’t think I can handle having a heart any more. It’s constantly being broken by crushes, real potentials nd just men in general. 

I honestly can’t deal with this shit any more. I wish I had given my number to the waiter that was mildly hitting on me. 

There was also V who I feel may have been slightly interested in me at some point

I was too drunk by the end of the quiz night to really know. 

I shouldn’t drink. I know this.  I know that alcohol kills me as a person and I really only am allowed to drink with the few people I care about enough to be myself around when I am drunk. 

I. need. a. break. 

He made me feel ashamed. Then hit on my best friend. And somehow, I feel dirtier than I feel betrayed. 

Fucking hell emotional wreck, you really need to get ahold of yourself. 

Someday somewhere there will be (fuck there has to be, right?) someone that will actually appreciate you for the mess that you are? 

Being a fucking unappreciable mess just fucking sucks. 

• 4 salmon cutlets
• 1 cup of tea
• 4 brownies
• 1 plate of curry with lentils, paneer, potato
• 3 slices of bread soaked in olive oil
• 3 celery sticks
• 1 tomato
• 1/2 a capsicum
• 3 cupcakes

Diabetes is defs in the mix for me :( I tried to repent by stuffing myself with veges instead. Did not work. I keep getting intense sugar lows as well. ARGH. 

I think I have grown down in the last few years. When I was younger, and I managed to rip out an eyelash, I’d know exactly what to wish for: For happiness, be it my family’s, my friends’ or mine. In the last few years I’ve found myself focussing more and more on tiny details that seem so important at times… but only lead to me making some of the most ridiculous most self-centred and almost definitely ridonkulous wishes.  

whatshouldwecallmedschool:

I’m just like,